The sum of all fears. A despicable ending.

It's a cold March morning. The sun is way deep in the clouds and it won't be out for a few days. There is hope however, a slim hope...
Wind blows with madness and the sky is all gray. I despise this weather even though it resembles my etat d'esprit.
My worst fears proofed to be true. I was getting sick of all that numbness I was driving in. So my Semper Vigilantes status ultimately showed me I can trust no one. I know spying it's a dirty thing to do. But when you've got reasons... I'd say go for it.
Anyway... Little did I knew about my baby. And now knowing it, it made my soul break in tiny little pieces blown away by the Arctic currents. My fears were all but true and I dare to say without the risk of mistake - she is definitely NOT the girl for me! She is definitely NOT the right human being to keep nearby.
I'm so disappointed...

"As I live and breathe
You have killed me, You have killed me
Yes I walk around somehow
But you have killed me, You have killed me..."
- Morrissey

Almost on the brink of extinction

It's almost the last week of winter.
The last couple of days was a nightmerish hell. It almost took my soul. It was so near.
I was never scared like this. Fear, body pain, psichycal anguish, chaotic fervent malevolence. My whole world at the nearest point close to Sunder. It almost had me.
I never tought I would see all the lords of terror, destruction and fear in such a brief period.
My baby got mad on me (and for good reasons I would mention) and also made some mistakes. Everything condensed in a dark void that quenched my soul into near-nothingness. A horrible feeling. Cold shivers, nausea, vomiting, that darn pain in my stomach once again. I barely made it out of it.
Luckily the things settled after some serious "between-grown-ups" talking. I realised some things that explained a lot of my worries and neverending questions, even though not all of them. In one short sentence: "History repeats itself." That's a fact. I was so near of making some old mistakes again. That surely thought me a lesson... Oh God, and what a great lesson!
The wounds are not healed though. I still have some unanswered questions, I still have some (tiny) things to fear but overall it made myself rethink my life-guiding strategies and organise them.
I surely love my pearl-eyed baby. I definitely miss her every moment she's not near me.
Tonight, for the first time in months our kiss was magic. Like Before.
I have great expectations for our future. I certainly hope I won't be dissapointed. It would probably cost me everything...
Anyway... an alarm signal has been generated. I have to stay focus. I have to think before acting. I have to be more careful. By all means and on all levels.

Semper vigilantes.

Mid-February

Yesterday was Valentine's Gay... uuhh I mean Day. (Or Ballantine's Day :)) )
I kinda don't like this fuckin' entirely-commercial American-flavored day. Wtf? It's not a national celebration and you don't need a fuckin' "special" day to say "I love you"! Blah blah...
Speaking of love I have an urge to say it loudly: "I definitely love my girl!" But I don't need the "Ballantine's Gay" for this.
Smooches!

Young until late

I had a fucking scary dream last night.
I was in a room or apartment somewhere near the city center. I was drunk and trying to play an old guitar. Empty bottles of beer where scattered all over the dirty floor. Some yellowish rags were serving as drapes. Or maybe there were old broken drapes after all. My head was aching, I was dazed and I couldn't play the chords with the accuracy needed. At one point my nose bled. All of a sudden. I dropped the guitar and went to the nearest mirror. A near-heart-stroke just hit me: I was old!! I was fuckin' old and ugly, with long white greasy hair, with red eyes and wrinkles and stuff...
Goddamn... I was a fuckin' drunk old man trying to play a guitar in a dirty apartment. And my nose was bleeding. I wanted to crush the mirror with my fist but I heard fervent knocks in my door and voices: "C'mon old man! Outta here! Time for evac!", "Hey man don't force us to come in! Get the fuck out, 'tis not your house anymore!".
I could see in the mirror my nose excessively bleeding. I was suddenly out of air and I started to choke. It was blood. Blood was coming outta my mouth also. I crushed the mirror with hatred, cut my fist in the broken glass. "7 years of bad luck" I just thought with a grin on my face. Never mind. With one of the last breaths I could tear the apartment main window using the old guitar.
"Hey what the fuck you're doing you crazy old man??" They were bumping into the door trying to break in.
Through the smashed apartment window, the cold winter wind was making its way. It usually would've gave me sword-like chills but not now. It was hot like fuckin' Sahara. No sand though. Another breath and - without even trying to rethink - I jumped. Emptiness. Infinity. Time dilated. I was almost floating. I could feel every one of my heartbeats at a very slow pace and each one of them was bringing back memories. Good ones and bad ones. Mostly good. I saw my youthful spark of creativity. I saw the very few moments when I succeeded just by pure luck or with little effort and yes, it never lasted for long. I saw my youthful potential never to be used at its full. What a pity. I saw years after years doing nothing. Years that passed finding me between the bottles. Wasted years... And then I fell warmth inside me. I saw her face. Her beautiful joyful face. Here eyes were like black pearls, shining with depth. A seizer depth. I tried to reach her but she disappeared right in the very moment my body hit the cold sidewalk.
There was a brief moment of deafening silence. An almost unbearable pressure. I was lifted some few feet above the ground and saw my inert body in a pool of blood.
I heard screams, people running. I heard sirens. It was the last time I could seed unrest. As I was fading away I could hear a little girl saying: "Look mama, that man fell. Wasn't it too soon?"

Wasn't it too soon?