It's a cold March morning. The sun is way deep in the clouds and it won't be out for a few days. There is hope however, a slim hope...
Wind blows with madness and the sky is all gray. I despise this weather even though it resembles my etat d'esprit.
My worst fears proofed to be true. I was getting sick of all that numbness I was driving in. So my Semper Vigilantes status ultimately showed me I can trust no one. I know spying it's a dirty thing to do. But when you've got reasons... I'd say go for it.
Anyway... Little did I knew about my baby. And now knowing it, it made my soul break in tiny little pieces blown away by the Arctic currents. My fears were all but true and I dare to say without the risk of mistake - she is definitely NOT the girl for me! She is definitely NOT the right human being to keep nearby.
I'm so disappointed...
"As I live and breathe
You have killed me, You have killed me
Yes I walk around somehow
But you have killed me, You have killed me..."
- Morrissey
joi, 17 martie 2011
duminică, 20 februarie 2011
Almost on the brink of extinction
It's almost the last week of winter.
The last couple of days was a nightmerish hell. It almost took my soul. It was so near.
I was never scared like this. Fear, body pain, psichycal anguish, chaotic fervent malevolence. My whole world at the nearest point close to Sunder. It almost had me.
I never tought I would see all the lords of terror, destruction and fear in such a brief period.
My baby got mad on me (and for good reasons I would mention) and also made some mistakes. Everything condensed in a dark void that quenched my soul into near-nothingness. A horrible feeling. Cold shivers, nausea, vomiting, that darn pain in my stomach once again. I barely made it out of it.
Luckily the things settled after some serious "between-grown-ups" talking. I realised some things that explained a lot of my worries and neverending questions, even though not all of them. In one short sentence: "History repeats itself." That's a fact. I was so near of making some old mistakes again. That surely thought me a lesson... Oh God, and what a great lesson!
The wounds are not healed though. I still have some unanswered questions, I still have some (tiny) things to fear but overall it made myself rethink my life-guiding strategies and organise them.
I surely love my pearl-eyed baby. I definitely miss her every moment she's not near me.
Tonight, for the first time in months our kiss was magic. Like Before.
I have great expectations for our future. I certainly hope I won't be dissapointed. It would probably cost me everything...
Anyway... an alarm signal has been generated. I have to stay focus. I have to think before acting. I have to be more careful. By all means and on all levels.
Semper vigilantes.
The last couple of days was a nightmerish hell. It almost took my soul. It was so near.
I was never scared like this. Fear, body pain, psichycal anguish, chaotic fervent malevolence. My whole world at the nearest point close to Sunder. It almost had me.
I never tought I would see all the lords of terror, destruction and fear in such a brief period.
My baby got mad on me (and for good reasons I would mention) and also made some mistakes. Everything condensed in a dark void that quenched my soul into near-nothingness. A horrible feeling. Cold shivers, nausea, vomiting, that darn pain in my stomach once again. I barely made it out of it.
Luckily the things settled after some serious "between-grown-ups" talking. I realised some things that explained a lot of my worries and neverending questions, even though not all of them. In one short sentence: "History repeats itself." That's a fact. I was so near of making some old mistakes again. That surely thought me a lesson... Oh God, and what a great lesson!
The wounds are not healed though. I still have some unanswered questions, I still have some (tiny) things to fear but overall it made myself rethink my life-guiding strategies and organise them.
I surely love my pearl-eyed baby. I definitely miss her every moment she's not near me.
Tonight, for the first time in months our kiss was magic. Like Before.
I have great expectations for our future. I certainly hope I won't be dissapointed. It would probably cost me everything...
Anyway... an alarm signal has been generated. I have to stay focus. I have to think before acting. I have to be more careful. By all means and on all levels.
Semper vigilantes.
luni, 14 februarie 2011
Mid-February
Yesterday was Valentine's Gay... uuhh I mean Day. (Or Ballantine's Day :)) )
I kinda don't like this fuckin' entirely-commercial American-flavored day. Wtf? It's not a national celebration and you don't need a fuckin' "special" day to say "I love you"! Blah blah...
Speaking of love I have an urge to say it loudly: "I definitely love my girl!" But I don't need the "Ballantine's Gay" for this.
Smooches!
I kinda don't like this fuckin' entirely-commercial American-flavored day. Wtf? It's not a national celebration and you don't need a fuckin' "special" day to say "I love you"! Blah blah...
Speaking of love I have an urge to say it loudly: "I definitely love my girl!" But I don't need the "Ballantine's Gay" for this.
Smooches!
duminică, 30 ianuarie 2011
Young until late
I had a fucking scary dream last night.
I was in a room or apartment somewhere near the city center. I was drunk and trying to play an old guitar. Empty bottles of beer where scattered all over the dirty floor. Some yellowish rags were serving as drapes. Or maybe there were old broken drapes after all. My head was aching, I was dazed and I couldn't play the chords with the accuracy needed. At one point my nose bled. All of a sudden. I dropped the guitar and went to the nearest mirror. A near-heart-stroke just hit me: I was old!! I was fuckin' old and ugly, with long white greasy hair, with red eyes and wrinkles and stuff...
Goddamn... I was a fuckin' drunk old man trying to play a guitar in a dirty apartment. And my nose was bleeding. I wanted to crush the mirror with my fist but I heard fervent knocks in my door and voices: "C'mon old man! Outta here! Time for evac!", "Hey man don't force us to come in! Get the fuck out, 'tis not your house anymore!".
I could see in the mirror my nose excessively bleeding. I was suddenly out of air and I started to choke. It was blood. Blood was coming outta my mouth also. I crushed the mirror with hatred, cut my fist in the broken glass. "7 years of bad luck" I just thought with a grin on my face. Never mind. With one of the last breaths I could tear the apartment main window using the old guitar.
"Hey what the fuck you're doing you crazy old man??" They were bumping into the door trying to break in.
Through the smashed apartment window, the cold winter wind was making its way. It usually would've gave me sword-like chills but not now. It was hot like fuckin' Sahara. No sand though. Another breath and - without even trying to rethink - I jumped. Emptiness. Infinity. Time dilated. I was almost floating. I could feel every one of my heartbeats at a very slow pace and each one of them was bringing back memories. Good ones and bad ones. Mostly good. I saw my youthful spark of creativity. I saw the very few moments when I succeeded just by pure luck or with little effort and yes, it never lasted for long. I saw my youthful potential never to be used at its full. What a pity. I saw years after years doing nothing. Years that passed finding me between the bottles. Wasted years... And then I fell warmth inside me. I saw her face. Her beautiful joyful face. Here eyes were like black pearls, shining with depth. A seizer depth. I tried to reach her but she disappeared right in the very moment my body hit the cold sidewalk.
There was a brief moment of deafening silence. An almost unbearable pressure. I was lifted some few feet above the ground and saw my inert body in a pool of blood.
I heard screams, people running. I heard sirens. It was the last time I could seed unrest. As I was fading away I could hear a little girl saying: "Look mama, that man fell. Wasn't it too soon?"
Wasn't it too soon?
I was in a room or apartment somewhere near the city center. I was drunk and trying to play an old guitar. Empty bottles of beer where scattered all over the dirty floor. Some yellowish rags were serving as drapes. Or maybe there were old broken drapes after all. My head was aching, I was dazed and I couldn't play the chords with the accuracy needed. At one point my nose bled. All of a sudden. I dropped the guitar and went to the nearest mirror. A near-heart-stroke just hit me: I was old!! I was fuckin' old and ugly, with long white greasy hair, with red eyes and wrinkles and stuff...
Goddamn... I was a fuckin' drunk old man trying to play a guitar in a dirty apartment. And my nose was bleeding. I wanted to crush the mirror with my fist but I heard fervent knocks in my door and voices: "C'mon old man! Outta here! Time for evac!", "Hey man don't force us to come in! Get the fuck out, 'tis not your house anymore!".
I could see in the mirror my nose excessively bleeding. I was suddenly out of air and I started to choke. It was blood. Blood was coming outta my mouth also. I crushed the mirror with hatred, cut my fist in the broken glass. "7 years of bad luck" I just thought with a grin on my face. Never mind. With one of the last breaths I could tear the apartment main window using the old guitar.
"Hey what the fuck you're doing you crazy old man??" They were bumping into the door trying to break in.
Through the smashed apartment window, the cold winter wind was making its way. It usually would've gave me sword-like chills but not now. It was hot like fuckin' Sahara. No sand though. Another breath and - without even trying to rethink - I jumped. Emptiness. Infinity. Time dilated. I was almost floating. I could feel every one of my heartbeats at a very slow pace and each one of them was bringing back memories. Good ones and bad ones. Mostly good. I saw my youthful spark of creativity. I saw the very few moments when I succeeded just by pure luck or with little effort and yes, it never lasted for long. I saw my youthful potential never to be used at its full. What a pity. I saw years after years doing nothing. Years that passed finding me between the bottles. Wasted years... And then I fell warmth inside me. I saw her face. Her beautiful joyful face. Here eyes were like black pearls, shining with depth. A seizer depth. I tried to reach her but she disappeared right in the very moment my body hit the cold sidewalk.
There was a brief moment of deafening silence. An almost unbearable pressure. I was lifted some few feet above the ground and saw my inert body in a pool of blood.
I heard screams, people running. I heard sirens. It was the last time I could seed unrest. As I was fading away I could hear a little girl saying: "Look mama, that man fell. Wasn't it too soon?"
Wasn't it too soon?
marți, 16 noiembrie 2010
The shadow of Tiamat
I feel my soul prone to sunder. It's definitely not a pleasant experience. I'm frightened and I feel cold. Successions of little evil happenings that I cannot hold anymore... they're breaking my soul's defenses. It cannot hold too much.
I know it's you wretched bitch! I sense your stench from miles! Blistering incarnation of filth and evil - the dragon-lady - mistress of darkness... Tiamat. Well you know you can't catch me alive and in the land of the dead I have my true powers. But I shall not give you the satisfaction. I must avoid the sundering!
Whoever reads perhaps wonders if I'm fuckin' nuts. Oh no, it's just my way of expression.
I feel my baby colder with each passing week. Maybe it's my imagination but I certainly don't know why. It definitely doesn't make me feel comfortable (and how could that make me feel that, in Heaven's name?) and it starts to annoy and piss me of. Those two feelings are new. I become mad. Madness... And I don't know how I can handle madness. I usually can't. When I'm mad I bring a lot of pain to whoever I want and this scares the hell outta me. This fuckin' scares me. Madness gives me power. An immense evil power that I don't want. I can rip the fuckin' lady-dragon in two and take its very spine out of her wretched body. And then she'll have a corpse shadow! But I don't want it this way.
It's always another way. Both painful and pleasant but not so dirty.
I will fight for my love with a legion of dragons if it must! I shall not sunder!
Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.
I don't want you around me Tiamat
I know it's you wretched bitch! I sense your stench from miles! Blistering incarnation of filth and evil - the dragon-lady - mistress of darkness... Tiamat. Well you know you can't catch me alive and in the land of the dead I have my true powers. But I shall not give you the satisfaction. I must avoid the sundering!
Whoever reads perhaps wonders if I'm fuckin' nuts. Oh no, it's just my way of expression.
I feel my baby colder with each passing week. Maybe it's my imagination but I certainly don't know why. It definitely doesn't make me feel comfortable (and how could that make me feel that, in Heaven's name?) and it starts to annoy and piss me of. Those two feelings are new. I become mad. Madness... And I don't know how I can handle madness. I usually can't. When I'm mad I bring a lot of pain to whoever I want and this scares the hell outta me. This fuckin' scares me. Madness gives me power. An immense evil power that I don't want. I can rip the fuckin' lady-dragon in two and take its very spine out of her wretched body. And then she'll have a corpse shadow! But I don't want it this way.
It's always another way. Both painful and pleasant but not so dirty.
I will fight for my love with a legion of dragons if it must! I shall not sunder!
Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.
I don't want you around me Tiamat
marți, 26 octombrie 2010
The road to Forthshire
It wanted to write a parabolic-like little story in order to express what I'm feeling. Yeah, that's what great writers did. Even the great drunk writers did that from time to time. Well I'm not drunk now and not a great writer either so why bother? The fact is I don't feel quite well. Hey... fell free to ask, yes! Ah, you don't have to? You suppose huh? Wait! You don't just suppose - you're quite sure it's about her. Hell yeah! We have a winning ticket. Okay, enough sarcastic lecture. I don't feel well. I couldn't eat my (daily) croissant. That almost never happens. I have that troubling/torturing sensation of emptiness in my stomach again. It's aching like a whirlwind trapped in a bottle. Seen that? Me neither! But, hell... it ain't no sunshine. Oh I so wish I felt better. I kind of wish that I had a bad hangover instead of this blistering feeling. To tell you the truth is also a little percent of my fault. Okay, close to 50. But she gets upset so fast from (what I perceive) so small facts. The main idea is that I hate when she gets upset. It gives me this pain. It's automated. I can't help it. And it all gets worse in the morning after the sleepless night in-between. I'm also mad. She just kicked me off the phone line and I didn't call her or text message her since then. And I won't. These are not manners and that's not the way to treat a person! (especially if that person is... hmm... your lover, your boyfriend, whatever) No sir! I didn't like it! Not to mention it's getting me even more suspicious one some other aspects (aspects I'm not going to write right now - I'm not so confident you know...). So here I am again nurturing all kind of negative pressures and down-forces on my very stomach. I don't want it. I can't stand it much longer. The sensation. I miss her so much! I miss the un-upset "her" so much...
marți, 21 septembrie 2010
Evolution
Sometimes I wonder about random things: why they go that way and not the other way? why they're black and they're not white? why the fuck I write posts in English and not in Romanian? why sometimes I have answers and other times I don't? I just wonder.
The same way I wonder why - even if I'm kinda' upset on her - she's the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning (although I just slept near her or made love to her)?; why I think of her all day long and I miss her more with every second that passes away since last I saw her? I know I have the answer. Yes I do. She gives me the most of all possible sensations. She makes me tremble when she talks, when she kisses, when she makes love to me. I adore her! And it's stronger and stronger with each passing minute, day... It's evolving! It surely does in the most beautiful and uncomprehensive (for the mortal being) way. I feel marvelous and she surely is my girl, my baby, my soulmate. That's how I want it to be and it'll surely be this way. Forever. Till the end of time!
The same way I wonder why - even if I'm kinda' upset on her - she's the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning (although I just slept near her or made love to her)?; why I think of her all day long and I miss her more with every second that passes away since last I saw her? I know I have the answer. Yes I do. She gives me the most of all possible sensations. She makes me tremble when she talks, when she kisses, when she makes love to me. I adore her! And it's stronger and stronger with each passing minute, day... It's evolving! It surely does in the most beautiful and uncomprehensive (for the mortal being) way. I feel marvelous and she surely is my girl, my baby, my soulmate. That's how I want it to be and it'll surely be this way. Forever. Till the end of time!
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