Dissolution of dreams or the double d

It's one of those days I wish I wouldn't have woke up in the morning. Simple as that. So little energy, so many things to do and the mood for doing them is missing completely.
I don't feel well at all. Not even physically. My head aches, my stomach gives me unpleasant grooves and my heart is so tired. What can I do? I can't do anything but wait and hope.
I need a sign from her and I certainly want to be a good sign. Damn, I said "want" when I should've said "desire". It's more appropriate.
After the sms-exchange we had last night I cannot rest until I don't see she is settled and not tormented anymore. Oh, she worries about such silly things sometimes (at least from my point of view).
My dreams are decomposing and blowing in the wind. Or at least they want to. But I won't let them. No sir, I won't!
She's my baby and I surely will make her happy and throw away every fear and worry she does have.
I was born to do that.

On the road again

It's sunny. The spring is really coming. For good.
I have a far better etat d'esprit. I have a lot of work to do and I'm in a struggle with the insufficiency of time; but these are details.
What matters the most is that I can breath relieved. I settled things with my baby so a lot of my worries are gone. I'm so optimistic now. This weather and the thought of her being my baby fills me with good positive energy.
Back to work now.

In search of water

It's almost noon.
This morning I woke up with my eyes shut. Can you imagine that? Yes. I woke up with my eyes shut - I didn't want to see the everyday reality. My whole being wanted her to be the first thing I would see. But I just knew it can't be so my eyes were shut.
I took a dare and opened them and I suddenly felt the excruciating pain. My stomach was the epicenter. Dark, fervent tremors generated by my abdominal cavity spread all over my body. A real nuisance for my cellular life. I really didn't call her or something. I haven't showed any life sign at all. I knew it was not the way it's meant to be but my pride was by far more determined than me and brought me a lot of pain.
I wanted to call her, to tell her how much I need her and she doesn't have reasons to be upset. I wanted but I couldn't. The pain just grew and grew.
Not a sign from her up to 11:36 A.M. when she called. I didn't know what the hell to do. I was a bit joyful that she called but still something tried to keep me from answering the damn phone. I took control and answered. She just wanted to know I was o.k. and nothing more. I couldn't tell here anything else. I just couldn't say more. Of course, now I had technical reasons.
It's already noon.
I can't stand it anymore. She passed my damned pride's test. I'm sure it wasn't necessary and I was pretty sure she will pass. I trust her and I hate it when I upset her. It makes me sick. Very sick. So my wretched pride should stick something up its ass and get the hell out of my sentimental affairs.
I cannot wait anymore to call her and tell her what I need to. I can't stand this stillness and each second is like a minute and every minute like a couple of hours. How long do I have to wait?
I also wonder how will she react. I really hope she will bring down the pain. Only she can do it! She knows that.
I need her like the desert needs water...

The fallen

I'm in pain. My heart aches, my stomach aches. I have a strange feeling of numbness, I feel sick, I cannot concentrate at all. All I see is her face anywhere I may look. I hear her voice whispering soft words. I feel an obsessing urge to kiss her and hold her in my arms. This status tears me from inside out. It's eviscerating. I don't know how much will I stand tall.

I know some things. I know a few of them but that suffices. Really.

I just now when and where but I hardly know why and how. Why me? Why now? How? Questions with answers I don't really expect. It's not bothering me. Au contraire.

I know I fell. Yes. I fell for her in the most unimaginable manner. Who would've thought? It doesn't really matter anyway. I've never expected it. The moment of our first touch my whole cellular system rearranged. My inner energy shape-shifted and my universe redecorated itself in vivid nuances and flaming harmonious-wavelength rays. I can't explain it and neither science itself can't give relevant laws of this happening. But the truthful fact is I don't even care that much. It intrigued me once upon a time. I was curious but I am no more, though it will remain a marvel to me for quite some time. Her fascinating and mysterious mind, her looks, her (sometimes) unconventional way of thinking, her manner of expressing things and feelings (feelings are not things, you know...) and her scent. Oh, her scent! It gives me hot chills, awakens my inner basic instincts, fills me with definitely positive energy! Her scent is perhaps one of the most unexplainable things about her. And also one of the most astonishing and intriguing traits. I love it. My whole being loves it, every neural node, every cell...

[...]

However, the counterbalance of those above exists. It's painfully real. When I unfortunately upset her I'm in sudden pain. My whole being aches. I feel sick. I can't explain why. I never could...

My breath accelerates, my heartbeats can easily overtake a drilling machine in frequency, my blood pressure rises as fast as the elevators of Eiffel tower. And then when least expected everything's down. I'm down. I'm off. It's not me any more. It's a living carcass. I watch but cannot see, I listen but cannot hear, I walk but I don't move. Just as if a psycho-symbiote takes the steering wheel.

I am the fallen...

...and I love it with all the ups and downs involved. I just feel I can overcome everything.

Again, after a long time, I feel it. It is here and I feel it - I have no limits if I want it so. It's magnificent to feel it again!