The sum of all fears. A despicable ending.

It's a cold March morning. The sun is way deep in the clouds and it won't be out for a few days. There is hope however, a slim hope...
Wind blows with madness and the sky is all gray. I despise this weather even though it resembles my etat d'esprit.
My worst fears proofed to be true. I was getting sick of all that numbness I was driving in. So my Semper Vigilantes status ultimately showed me I can trust no one. I know spying it's a dirty thing to do. But when you've got reasons... I'd say go for it.
Anyway... Little did I knew about my baby. And now knowing it, it made my soul break in tiny little pieces blown away by the Arctic currents. My fears were all but true and I dare to say without the risk of mistake - she is definitely NOT the girl for me! She is definitely NOT the right human being to keep nearby.
I'm so disappointed...

"As I live and breathe
You have killed me, You have killed me
Yes I walk around somehow
But you have killed me, You have killed me..."
- Morrissey

Almost on the brink of extinction

It's almost the last week of winter.
The last couple of days was a nightmerish hell. It almost took my soul. It was so near.
I was never scared like this. Fear, body pain, psichycal anguish, chaotic fervent malevolence. My whole world at the nearest point close to Sunder. It almost had me.
I never tought I would see all the lords of terror, destruction and fear in such a brief period.
My baby got mad on me (and for good reasons I would mention) and also made some mistakes. Everything condensed in a dark void that quenched my soul into near-nothingness. A horrible feeling. Cold shivers, nausea, vomiting, that darn pain in my stomach once again. I barely made it out of it.
Luckily the things settled after some serious "between-grown-ups" talking. I realised some things that explained a lot of my worries and neverending questions, even though not all of them. In one short sentence: "History repeats itself." That's a fact. I was so near of making some old mistakes again. That surely thought me a lesson... Oh God, and what a great lesson!
The wounds are not healed though. I still have some unanswered questions, I still have some (tiny) things to fear but overall it made myself rethink my life-guiding strategies and organise them.
I surely love my pearl-eyed baby. I definitely miss her every moment she's not near me.
Tonight, for the first time in months our kiss was magic. Like Before.
I have great expectations for our future. I certainly hope I won't be dissapointed. It would probably cost me everything...
Anyway... an alarm signal has been generated. I have to stay focus. I have to think before acting. I have to be more careful. By all means and on all levels.

Semper vigilantes.

Mid-February

Yesterday was Valentine's Gay... uuhh I mean Day. (Or Ballantine's Day :)) )
I kinda don't like this fuckin' entirely-commercial American-flavored day. Wtf? It's not a national celebration and you don't need a fuckin' "special" day to say "I love you"! Blah blah...
Speaking of love I have an urge to say it loudly: "I definitely love my girl!" But I don't need the "Ballantine's Gay" for this.
Smooches!

Young until late

I had a fucking scary dream last night.
I was in a room or apartment somewhere near the city center. I was drunk and trying to play an old guitar. Empty bottles of beer where scattered all over the dirty floor. Some yellowish rags were serving as drapes. Or maybe there were old broken drapes after all. My head was aching, I was dazed and I couldn't play the chords with the accuracy needed. At one point my nose bled. All of a sudden. I dropped the guitar and went to the nearest mirror. A near-heart-stroke just hit me: I was old!! I was fuckin' old and ugly, with long white greasy hair, with red eyes and wrinkles and stuff...
Goddamn... I was a fuckin' drunk old man trying to play a guitar in a dirty apartment. And my nose was bleeding. I wanted to crush the mirror with my fist but I heard fervent knocks in my door and voices: "C'mon old man! Outta here! Time for evac!", "Hey man don't force us to come in! Get the fuck out, 'tis not your house anymore!".
I could see in the mirror my nose excessively bleeding. I was suddenly out of air and I started to choke. It was blood. Blood was coming outta my mouth also. I crushed the mirror with hatred, cut my fist in the broken glass. "7 years of bad luck" I just thought with a grin on my face. Never mind. With one of the last breaths I could tear the apartment main window using the old guitar.
"Hey what the fuck you're doing you crazy old man??" They were bumping into the door trying to break in.
Through the smashed apartment window, the cold winter wind was making its way. It usually would've gave me sword-like chills but not now. It was hot like fuckin' Sahara. No sand though. Another breath and - without even trying to rethink - I jumped. Emptiness. Infinity. Time dilated. I was almost floating. I could feel every one of my heartbeats at a very slow pace and each one of them was bringing back memories. Good ones and bad ones. Mostly good. I saw my youthful spark of creativity. I saw the very few moments when I succeeded just by pure luck or with little effort and yes, it never lasted for long. I saw my youthful potential never to be used at its full. What a pity. I saw years after years doing nothing. Years that passed finding me between the bottles. Wasted years... And then I fell warmth inside me. I saw her face. Her beautiful joyful face. Here eyes were like black pearls, shining with depth. A seizer depth. I tried to reach her but she disappeared right in the very moment my body hit the cold sidewalk.
There was a brief moment of deafening silence. An almost unbearable pressure. I was lifted some few feet above the ground and saw my inert body in a pool of blood.
I heard screams, people running. I heard sirens. It was the last time I could seed unrest. As I was fading away I could hear a little girl saying: "Look mama, that man fell. Wasn't it too soon?"

Wasn't it too soon?

The shadow of Tiamat

I feel my soul prone to sunder. It's definitely not a pleasant experience. I'm frightened and I feel cold. Successions of little evil happenings that I cannot hold anymore... they're breaking my soul's defenses. It cannot hold too much.
I know it's you wretched bitch! I sense your stench from miles! Blistering incarnation of filth and evil - the dragon-lady - mistress of darkness... Tiamat. Well you know you can't catch me alive and in the land of the dead I have my true powers. But I shall not give you the satisfaction. I must avoid the sundering!
Whoever reads perhaps wonders if I'm fuckin' nuts. Oh no, it's just my way of expression.
I feel my baby colder with each passing week. Maybe it's my imagination but I certainly don't know why. It definitely doesn't make me feel comfortable (and how could that make me feel that, in Heaven's name?) and it starts to annoy and piss me of. Those two feelings are new. I become mad. Madness... And I don't know how I can handle madness. I usually can't. When I'm mad I bring a lot of pain to whoever I want and this scares the hell outta me. This fuckin' scares me. Madness gives me power. An immense evil power that I don't want. I can rip the fuckin' lady-dragon in two and take its very spine out of her wretched body. And then she'll have a corpse shadow! But I don't want it this way.
It's always another way. Both painful and pleasant but not so dirty.
I will fight for my love with a legion of dragons if it must! I shall not sunder!

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.
I don't want you around me Tiamat

The road to Forthshire

It wanted to write a parabolic-like little story in order to express what I'm feeling. Yeah, that's what great writers did. Even the great drunk writers did that from time to time. Well I'm not drunk now and not a great writer either so why bother? The fact is I don't feel quite well. Hey... fell free to ask, yes! Ah, you don't have to? You suppose huh? Wait! You don't just suppose - you're quite sure it's about her. Hell yeah! We have a winning ticket. Okay, enough sarcastic lecture. I don't feel well. I couldn't eat my (daily) croissant. That almost never happens. I have that troubling/torturing sensation of emptiness in my stomach again. It's aching like a whirlwind trapped in a bottle. Seen that? Me neither! But, hell... it ain't no sunshine. Oh I so wish I felt better. I kind of wish that I had a bad hangover instead of this blistering feeling. To tell you the truth is also a little percent of my fault. Okay, close to 50. But she gets upset so fast from (what I perceive) so small facts. The main idea is that I hate when she gets upset. It gives me this pain. It's automated. I can't help it. And it all gets worse in the morning after the sleepless night in-between. I'm also mad. She just kicked me off the phone line and I didn't call her or text message her since then. And I won't. These are not manners and that's not the way to treat a person! (especially if that person is... hmm... your lover, your boyfriend, whatever) No sir! I didn't like it! Not to mention it's getting me even more suspicious one some other aspects (aspects I'm not going to write right now - I'm not so confident you know...). So here I am again nurturing all kind of negative pressures and down-forces on my very stomach. I don't want it. I can't stand it much longer. The sensation. I miss her so much! I miss the un-upset "her" so much...

Evolution

Sometimes I wonder about random things: why they go that way and not the other way? why they're black and they're not white? why the fuck I write posts in English and not in Romanian? why sometimes I have answers and other times I don't? I just wonder.
The same way I wonder why - even if I'm kinda' upset on her - she's the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning (although I just slept near her or made love to her)?; why I think of her all day long and I miss her more with every second that passes away since last I saw her? I know I have the answer. Yes I do. She gives me the most of all possible sensations. She makes me tremble when she talks, when she kisses, when she makes love to me. I adore her! And it's stronger and stronger with each passing minute, day... It's evolving! It surely does in the most beautiful and uncomprehensive (for the mortal being) way. I feel marvelous and she surely is my girl, my baby, my soulmate. That's how I want it to be and it'll surely be this way. Forever. Till the end of time!

Tormented and restless

Goddamn... I really hate myself more then ever before. I'm on the brink of psychical and probably (as a result) physical dissolution and I could've avoided it. Is it too late? I'm really freaked out of this question - I really am; I feel some sort of sickness through all my cell-system. For the first time I don't know what to hope and I don't know where to head. My dreams collapsed all of a sudden and are threaded like never ever before - opposed of what Yeast might've suggested. It would've been great if I could disappear. But I can't so I must face the fact that I'm slowly consuming myself trying to understand, trying to fix my very situation. The issue consists in the fact that I'm not certain what to do. And this gives me the creeps. It would've been easier if I didn't love her...

The end of hope?

Sunt trist. Sunt aşa de trist încât cred că aş putea să lăcrimez. Aş minţi dacă aş spune că n-am fost niciodată aşa trist. Nu vreau să exagerez. Dar totuşi adevărul e că sunt trist.
De câteva săptămâni mă tot gândesc. La trecut, la prezent şi la viitor. Mai mult la viitor bineînţeles. Şi totul în strictă legătură cu agitaţia politică, economică şi socială ce se precipită în ultima vreme pe fondul lipsei banilor şi îndatoririi noastre la Fondul Monetar Internaţional.
Eu sunt unul din ăia care munceşte şi plăteşte impozit statului român fie că e vorba de profit, fie că e vorba de vehicule sau alte posesiuni. Eu nu vreau să crească TVA-ul, nu vreau să scadă salariile, nu vreau să mă gândesc cu grijă în suflet la ziua de mâine. Nu vreau! Bani sunt din ce în ce mai puţini, se simte. De ce trebuie să mă privez de diverse plăceri ca să pot trai? De ce? E vina mea? Sunt eu oare vinovat că am terminat o facultate, m-am angajat imediat după şi lucrez pe un post bun, dar cu toate astea nu sunt plătit suficient iar viitorul e sumbru în privinţa asta? Şi oare nu mă doare să ştiu că oricâte eforturi aş face şi oricât de mult aş munci există o foarte mare posibilitate să nu fiu plătit niciodată pe măsura muncii depuse, în această ţară în care m-am născut? Şi oare nu am dreptul să fiu nefericit când mă gândesc că o să am venituri insuficiente când voi ieşi la pensie (asta desigur DACĂ voi mai apuca să ies vreodată la pensie).
Ştiu că ne stă în putere să schimbăm ceva dar în cât timp şi cu ce preţ? Şi de ce nu am făcut-o până acum?
E deja târziu şi timpul nu mai are răbdare.
Cu părere de rău, ideea de a lăsa în urmă ţara natală şi a purcede către meleaguri unde munca cinstită şi eficientă este apreciată se conturează din ce în ce mai bine şi în curând se va materializa.
Aici nu mai e nimic de făcut.

Routine maitenance

Captain's log. Star-date (according to our measuring) 05 May 2010.
I thought I know things. I even thought experience is everything. The fact is that it doesn't seem to be right all the time. Sometimes you get to fell things that move your every concept of "this is what's meant to be". I thought I knew how it feels to love, to care, to think every second at your half, to be at your maximum lovin' potential. Well guess what? I was fuckin' wrong.
All those years. All those days, minutes and seconds I thought that way proved me that it's another way.
So that's how everything goes - you can never know what's in store, and this happens disregarding the experience.

Dissolution of dreams or the double d

It's one of those days I wish I wouldn't have woke up in the morning. Simple as that. So little energy, so many things to do and the mood for doing them is missing completely.
I don't feel well at all. Not even physically. My head aches, my stomach gives me unpleasant grooves and my heart is so tired. What can I do? I can't do anything but wait and hope.
I need a sign from her and I certainly want to be a good sign. Damn, I said "want" when I should've said "desire". It's more appropriate.
After the sms-exchange we had last night I cannot rest until I don't see she is settled and not tormented anymore. Oh, she worries about such silly things sometimes (at least from my point of view).
My dreams are decomposing and blowing in the wind. Or at least they want to. But I won't let them. No sir, I won't!
She's my baby and I surely will make her happy and throw away every fear and worry she does have.
I was born to do that.

On the road again

It's sunny. The spring is really coming. For good.
I have a far better etat d'esprit. I have a lot of work to do and I'm in a struggle with the insufficiency of time; but these are details.
What matters the most is that I can breath relieved. I settled things with my baby so a lot of my worries are gone. I'm so optimistic now. This weather and the thought of her being my baby fills me with good positive energy.
Back to work now.

In search of water

It's almost noon.
This morning I woke up with my eyes shut. Can you imagine that? Yes. I woke up with my eyes shut - I didn't want to see the everyday reality. My whole being wanted her to be the first thing I would see. But I just knew it can't be so my eyes were shut.
I took a dare and opened them and I suddenly felt the excruciating pain. My stomach was the epicenter. Dark, fervent tremors generated by my abdominal cavity spread all over my body. A real nuisance for my cellular life. I really didn't call her or something. I haven't showed any life sign at all. I knew it was not the way it's meant to be but my pride was by far more determined than me and brought me a lot of pain.
I wanted to call her, to tell her how much I need her and she doesn't have reasons to be upset. I wanted but I couldn't. The pain just grew and grew.
Not a sign from her up to 11:36 A.M. when she called. I didn't know what the hell to do. I was a bit joyful that she called but still something tried to keep me from answering the damn phone. I took control and answered. She just wanted to know I was o.k. and nothing more. I couldn't tell here anything else. I just couldn't say more. Of course, now I had technical reasons.
It's already noon.
I can't stand it anymore. She passed my damned pride's test. I'm sure it wasn't necessary and I was pretty sure she will pass. I trust her and I hate it when I upset her. It makes me sick. Very sick. So my wretched pride should stick something up its ass and get the hell out of my sentimental affairs.
I cannot wait anymore to call her and tell her what I need to. I can't stand this stillness and each second is like a minute and every minute like a couple of hours. How long do I have to wait?
I also wonder how will she react. I really hope she will bring down the pain. Only she can do it! She knows that.
I need her like the desert needs water...

The fallen

I'm in pain. My heart aches, my stomach aches. I have a strange feeling of numbness, I feel sick, I cannot concentrate at all. All I see is her face anywhere I may look. I hear her voice whispering soft words. I feel an obsessing urge to kiss her and hold her in my arms. This status tears me from inside out. It's eviscerating. I don't know how much will I stand tall.

I know some things. I know a few of them but that suffices. Really.

I just now when and where but I hardly know why and how. Why me? Why now? How? Questions with answers I don't really expect. It's not bothering me. Au contraire.

I know I fell. Yes. I fell for her in the most unimaginable manner. Who would've thought? It doesn't really matter anyway. I've never expected it. The moment of our first touch my whole cellular system rearranged. My inner energy shape-shifted and my universe redecorated itself in vivid nuances and flaming harmonious-wavelength rays. I can't explain it and neither science itself can't give relevant laws of this happening. But the truthful fact is I don't even care that much. It intrigued me once upon a time. I was curious but I am no more, though it will remain a marvel to me for quite some time. Her fascinating and mysterious mind, her looks, her (sometimes) unconventional way of thinking, her manner of expressing things and feelings (feelings are not things, you know...) and her scent. Oh, her scent! It gives me hot chills, awakens my inner basic instincts, fills me with definitely positive energy! Her scent is perhaps one of the most unexplainable things about her. And also one of the most astonishing and intriguing traits. I love it. My whole being loves it, every neural node, every cell...

[...]

However, the counterbalance of those above exists. It's painfully real. When I unfortunately upset her I'm in sudden pain. My whole being aches. I feel sick. I can't explain why. I never could...

My breath accelerates, my heartbeats can easily overtake a drilling machine in frequency, my blood pressure rises as fast as the elevators of Eiffel tower. And then when least expected everything's down. I'm down. I'm off. It's not me any more. It's a living carcass. I watch but cannot see, I listen but cannot hear, I walk but I don't move. Just as if a psycho-symbiote takes the steering wheel.

I am the fallen...

...and I love it with all the ups and downs involved. I just feel I can overcome everything.

Again, after a long time, I feel it. It is here and I feel it - I have no limits if I want it so. It's magnificent to feel it again!